Becoming
by XsesenX
Summary: Ashley's journey to becoming herself. A little bit of Ashley/Ellie slash. Ashley likes Ellie, I'm not sure yet if it's gonna be reciprocal. R&R!!!!
1. Becoming Ashley Kerwin

"Becoming..."  
By: Izabela  
Site: http://something-blind.tk  
eMAIL: somethingblind@yahoo.com  
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first  
Feedback: Yes, please! Flames welcome.  
A/N: I do not own Degrassi, or any of the characters.  
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I found a replacment razor for our card-board cutter. **A/N: I know it's called a razor, but that would sound stupid.** I started to hack off all my hair. I just pulled it up into a ponytail, then cut, and cut, and cut. Pretty soon, it was all uneaven and short. I grabbed some gel off my dresser, and put it in my hair to spike it up.   
"OMIGOD. WHY did I just do that?!" I thought. Then, as I looked in the mirror once again, I decided I liked it. No, I loved it. It seemed so me. Like I'd just discovered a part of myself I didn't know existed. I began to dig through my makeup case. I found some black eyeliner, and put that on. I then found grey liquid eyeshadow. I put that on heavily, and then some deep purple lipliner with light purple lipgloss.   
Satified with my makeup, I began to root through my closet for clothes. I found the black lace shirt and tank top set, and put them on, tak on top. Then I found a long black skirt, and some black boots. When I finished lacing them up, I transfered all my books to my black backpack. It was still summertime out, so I didn't grab a coat. I walked downstair, and heard a not-so-subtle clank as Toby fropped his spoon back into his cereal bowl.   
"Ash?" My mom asked.  
"Yeah?"  
"When did you get your hair cut?"  
"I did it this morning." I replied, matter-of-factly.  
"I like it."   
"ARE YOU JOKING?!" Toby yelled. "SHE LOOKS LIKE A FREAK!"  
"Thanks, Toby." I said. I turned to my mom.   
"Lunch money?" She asked, knowingly. I nodded, and she handed me my money.  
Thanks, mom." I said bye to her then, "See you at school, Toby!" As I headed out the door.  
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I finally saw someone who might talk to me as I headed down the hall. "Ellie?" I asked, not sure she'd talk to me.  
"Ashley?" She asked.  
"Yeah, it's me."   
"You look good." She said, truthfully.   
"Thanks." I said, smiling.  
We walked to class together, and I realized I might actually have a real best friend here. Life was getting good. I was myself, finally. And I'd met Ellie. My life really was really picking up. 


	2. Looking Back

"Becoming"  
By: Izabela  
Site: http://something-blind.tk  
eMAIL: somethingblind@yahoo.com  
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first  
Feedback: Yes, please! Flames welcome.  
A/N: I do not own Degrassi, or any of the characters.  
A/N: The 's symbolize what Ashley's writing in her diary.  
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What am I gonna do?! Ashley wrote. I'm falling for my best friend. I've had only two boyfriends, let alone a girlfriend. God, what will Ellie do when she finds out?! Ashley thought back to the day she realized she had fallen for Ellie.  
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"Ash, hurry up. It's just dinner."  
'Yeah, with your parents.' She thought. "I'm hurring, El!" She looked herself over once in the mirror, took a deep breath, and opened the door.  
"You look great, Ash."  
"So do you, Ellie." She was wearing a plaid skirt, fishnets, the boots I wore on the day I cut my hair, and a black teeshirt that had the Ramones logo on it.   
"Ok, enough of this. I'm hungry!" She pulled me downstairs and out of my house. On the way to her house, we talked about everything from music, to poetry, to movies.  
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That night, she had introduced me to her parents. Her dad had played in an 80's punk band, but it never went anywhere. Her mom had met him thanks to her brother, who was a roadie. I took an immediate liking to Ellie's parents. I don't remember what we even ate that night. I was having way too much fun with Ellie and her parents.   
I got home late that evening. I was getting in just as Kendra was leaving, after watching another lame-ass anime movie. **No offense to anime fans. This is Ashley!**   
"Hey Ashley. How was your evening."  
"Not as good as yours." I glanced at my watch. "11:22. Impressive." I began unlacing my boots, and listened to Toby.  
"The movie was so good. And Kendra just keeps getting more and more awesome. What do you think of her?"  
"She's cool."  
"At least someone here likes her."  
"Your dad doesn't?"  
"Niether does your mom."  
"Why?" I asked, courious.  
"Because she's younger then me."  
"Ooooh. 11 months. Toby, I'm apalled!" I said, jokingly.  
"I know! She's not THAT much younger then me." He was getting pouty. This could be bad.  
"I actually know how you feel. If my mom knew who I like, she's never let me date AGAIN."  
"Who?"  
It's a secret." I saidf, as I started working on my other boot. **A/N: They're big boots. They take awhile. lolz.**  
"Who can keep a secret better then me?" Toby asked.  
"Ellie." I stated.  
"Ok, who else can keep a secret better?" I'd told him. I told him that I liked Ellie, and the moron didn't even catch it.  
"Alot of people. Now buzz off. Buffy's on." **A/N: I know it's not on Saturdays at 11:30. Go with it!**  
Toby sighed and left the room. I flicked the TV on, and went over to the computer, and signed on-line.   
The IM noise sounded before I could even check my eMAIL.  
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Gorey_Punk766: Ashley!  
  
GothGirl_221: Hey, Ellie!  
  
Gorey_Punk766: Guess what?  
  
GothGirl_221: What?  
  
Gorey_Punk766: My mom said I could go!   
  
GothGirl_221: You mean to the concert?  
  
Gorey_Punk766: Yea!   
Gorey_Punk766: We're getting tix first thing tomorrow.  
  
GothGirl_221: That's awesome!  
  
Gorey_Punk766: Do you wanna go with me? Because my mom doesn't want to, and I don't want to go alone. Plus, yer my best friend.  
  
GothGirl_221: Yea! Sure, brb, I'll ask!  
GothGirl_221: Yea! I'm allowed to go!  
  
Gorey_Punk766: YES! Ok, I gotta go... but I'll call you 2morrow, kkz?  
  
GothGirl_221: Ok!  
  
Gorey_Punk766: Rock on, Ash!  
  
GothGirl_221: You know I will!  
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I got offline after checking my eMAIL, and went to bed, saying goodnight to my mom first.  
I drempt of Ellie that night. About her telling me about how great Marco was. And how crushed I felt when I realized I didn't have a chance with her. But Oh well, because I'm in love with Ellie Nash, and I don't care if I never have her. I just want her happy.  
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**A/N: You like?! REVIEW!!!! 


	3. Best News Ever

"Becoming"  
By: Izabela  
Site: http://something-blind.tk  
eMAIL: somethingblind@yahoo.com  
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first  
Feedback: Yes, please! Flames welcome.  
A/N: I do not own Degrassi, or any of the characters.  
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A few weeks later, Ashley was lying in bed, happy that she didn't have school that day. Seeing Marco that close to Ellie was just too hard. She knew that she'd never be able to be with Ellie like that, and that alone was torture. But Ashley had rescued Ellie when Jimmy and Spinner had started harassing her. She had given Ashley that pleading look, and even though she was jealous, Ashley had to help Ellie. She loved her that much.  
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'Why am I thinking of this?' Ashley thought, still in bed. She looked over at the calendar, not quite sure if it was Saturday or Sunday. Sured enough. The 22nd. Saturday. Shae also noticed that something was written in that block. She was going shopping with Ellie for the "perfect outfit" for Ellie's date with Marco tonight. Ashley briefly thought of creative ways to end her torture, her favorite being to strangle herself with a toothpick. She finally got out of bed, not at all happy about it, and trudged over to her armoiar. **SPELLING?** She reached for anything black, and quickly dressed in a long black skirt, and her favourite black lace top with a black shirt underneath. She quickly brushed her teeth, and then applied her makeup. As she was coming out of the bathroom, Toby was right in her way.  
  
"Hey, Ash. I heard you're going out with Ellie today. I wish I were you, she's hot."  
  
I hate step-siblings. Especially ones named Toby Isaacs. **AN: I know thay aren't step-siblings yet, but go with it!** "Toby, shut the hell up." I said, as I pushed my way past him, hitting his shoulder with mine, hard.   
  
"Jeez, Ashley. Remove stick from butt. ASAP." I just rolled my eyes, as I was quickly walked back into my room, to put on some socks and my favorite black boots. I was digging in a drawer for some jewlery when the doorbell rang.   
  
I heard my mom downstairs say, "Oh! The doorbell! I'll get that!" A few moments later, Ellie knocked on my door.   
  
"Ash? You ready to go?"  
  
I shot a smile up at her. God, she's beautiful. "Almost. I've just gotta find some jewlery." I grasbbed a few necklaces, including the extremely nice one that Ellie got me for my birthday. I asked her to clasp them for me. Granted, I was fully capable of doing it myself, but I wanted to feel her that close to me, brushing her delicate fingers along the nape of my neck. It felt so good to have Ellie that close to me. When Ellie announced that she was done, I nodded, only slightly disappionted, because I knew that I'd have the whole day with her, something Marco didn't have. We began our decent down the stairs, prepared to be shortly interrogated by my mother.   
  
"Where are you two girls off to today?"  
  
Ellie shot me a quick look, and I answered for us. "Just the mall, Mom. I really want to get the new Brand New CD." I smiled at Ellie, she didn't want my mom to know that we were really going to ViKtoria's Secret to pick up some liangere for her date with Marco tonight. I really dislike him.  
  
"Well, okay. Oh, wait." She began to dig around in her purse, and handed us $30. "For lunch." She quickly explained to us.   
  
I took the money from her, and gave her a thank-you and a quick kiss on the cheek.  
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Later, @ the Mall  
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Ellie held up a really skimpy corset-type thing. I, of course, just wanted her to get some flannel Tinkerbell PJ's, so I, of course, just shook my head. "Nah, El. Too obvious. Plus, how are you gonna sit at all tonight?"  
  
She nodded, and replaced it on the rack. "Your right." After a few minutes of silent browsing, Ellie asked, "Ashley?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can I tell you something?"  
  
I looked at her dumbfounded. "Of course. Ellie, you can tell me anything!"  
  
"Um, it's about Marco. He's... he's kind of... gay."  
  
I almost squealed. This was the best news ever. I just smiled, wide, and said, "So, I was right?"  
  
"Yeah. I hate the fact that you were right. I really didn't want him to be."  
  
"I know, El." She just nodded, and I had to ask, "If he's gay, why are you... doing all this?" Gesturing towards the many racks.  
  
"Because he doesn't want the guys to know. Not yet. And as a really good friend of his, I'm pretending to be his girlfriend."  
  
I just nodded, knowingly. "You know, Ellie, Marco's really dumb to not want a girl like you."  
  
She smiled at me. "Thanks, Ashley."   
  
"It's true." We left the stuffy underwear store, and went to HMV to buy my CD so my lie turned into the truth. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out. Taking pictures in photo booths, eating lunch, and talking to some interesting people. Ellie then informed me that she got tickets to a Finch concert, and wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. I accepted, of course, and thought about the many reactions she could have when I finally told her how I feel.   
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A/N: A NEW CHAPTER!!! FINALLY!!!! Lolz... Um... I know it's Victoria's Secret, but I just felt like putting a "K" in there. And the $30 might seem like alot for lunch, but remember: It's Canadian currency.  
Well, Review shout-out time!  
JessandRoryForever: I just thought Ellie and Ashley are kewt, so I made a "slash" story... I dunno. It was impulsive.  
Punk Poser: Thnx! I know, Ash/El forver! And fyi for people- READ PUNK POSER's STORY! IT RAWKS!!!  
AE Bushey: She's a lesbian since I made her one.  
Cole: Thanks, and eMAIL me with questions, since you say that yer confuzzled. Or, IM me, on Yahoo! Messenger or AIM.  
Bren Eldrid Bera: I don't think she's a posuer, but I think that she's Becoming Ashley, Like my story entails.   
THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!   
And I'm Listening to Hanson's CD, THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE as I wrote this, so bear with me! LOLZ... I'm a phreak. I'm out. BYES! 


	4. I Know How You Feel

"Becoming..."  
By: Izabela  
Site:   
eMAIL: Lalaine_rawks@yahoo.com  
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first  
Feedback: Yes, please! Flames welcome.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, or any of the characters.  
A/N: I'm ba-ack!!! Finally... I've been working really hard on my Lizzie McGuire fics... well, review, please!!!  
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That Monday at school, I was so excited to tell Ellie that my Mom gave me some money I'd been saving for vacation to use at the concert. I was gonna be able to get all the merchandise I wanted. I was rounding the corner, and I saw her. With Marco. I knew he was gay, but I couldn't help but be jealous. Granted, they were just talking, but still. I knew she had a thing for him. I began to walk towards my locker, when Ellie waved me over. I walked quickly over to them, as Marco kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I sauntered up to her, casually. Even though the flourecent lighting didn't do anyone justice, Ellie looked gorgeous. "Ashley! Thank God."   
  
Why was she so happy to see me? "Why are you so happy to see me?" I knew she felt nothing, but I was hopeful.   
  
"Ash, your my best friend. I needed a change in scenery. It's been ALL Marco for weeks! I mean, do you have any clue how hard it is to be that close to someone, feel them touch you and know that they don't feel like you do? That they CAN'T feel like you do?!"  
  
I nodded, solemnly. "Yeah. Yeah, I know EXACTLY how that feels." I said as I watched her flip one of her dyed, braided, and crimped ponytails over her shoulder, as I longed to reach out an stroke her hair myself. WE began to walk down the hall to my locker.  
  
"Ash? Is something wrong?"  
  
I heard Ellie ask me a question, and it quickly registered. "No... No, El, I-I'm fine." I stammered. God, I'm a moron. I could smack myself. Here I am, completely head-over-heels in love with this girl, and I stammer, and sound like an uneducated idiot. God, what I'd give to stab myself with a Q-Tip.  
  
"Okay... well, if you ever wanna talk about anything..."  
  
"Really, El. I'm okay. I-I... um, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later." And with that, I grabbed my English book, and shut my locker. I walked away briskly, hoping I could just make it to thrid period without breaking down. I know it's not like she told me flat out that she hates me or anything, but I know she doesn't feel the same way. She's as in love with Marco as I'm in love with her. A quote from A Midsumer Night's Dream popped into my head. "The course of true love never did run smooth." Truer words were never recorded. I was so deep in thought, I didn't even notice the big group of guys walking down the hall, right towards me. I glanced up when someone bumped my shoulder.   
  
"Hey, look who it is. Ashley Kerwin. We were just talking about you." Spinner. I hate him sometimes.   
  
"What the fuck do you want?" I said, obviously ticked off.  
  
"Hey, Kerwin, language like that can get you expelled around here. I just wanted to say hi."  
  
"Hi." I said, twitching my left eyelid into a slit, and clenching my fists to keep from hitting him. I kept walking.  
  
"Well, hey, if you don't wanna hear what I have to say-"  
  
I spun around. "HONESTLY, SPINNER? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Look, I know Ellie likes Marco. But he's my friend, too. And Spinner was hurting him. I know how it feels to be gay, and have a crush on a hetrosexual of the same gender. Marco and I actually have a lot in common.   
  
"Geez, Ash. I was just gonna say that Jimmy decided to take you back."  
  
"Jimmy take ME back?! O PLEASE! All the money in the world could NEVER make me TOUCH him again... even to kick his ass!!!" I turned on my combat-boot clad heel, and walked to english. I sat down bitterly in my seat. "UGH!" I half shouted, half groaned, running my hands through my short hair.   
  
"Ash, you okay?"   
  
I turned to see who was addressing me. I smiled. Finally, someone who gets it. "Hey Marco. And no, I'm really not... I, um... I kinda need your help with something."  
  
He looked really concerned. "Sure, Ash, what is it?"  
  
"Uh, I just really need to talk to you... will you meet me after school?"   
  
"Well, I was supposed to go to Ellie's to work on our Media Immersion project, but I guess I can come over after?"  
  
My smile broadened. I was gonna tell Marco everything tonight. And hopefully get some advice in the process. "Sure. Thanks, Marco."  
  
"No problem."  
  
Ms. Kwan walked in. "Okay, class. Now, we're going to be learning about the life and times of William Shakespere. Now, there was a lot of speculation about his sexual orientation..." Gee. Why does this sound so familiar?!  
**A/N: I'm gonna do te next chapter on just Ashley and Marco's talk. Trust me, this will NOT end up A/M... TRUST ME... that just seems wrong to me... well, review, please!!!!!** 


	5. Girl Talk

"Becoming..."  
  
By: Sesen ObsidianMoon  
  
Site: http://www.lizzieandgordo.cjb.net  
  
Journal: http://www.blurty.com/users/me221  
  
eMAIL: lalaine_rawks@yahoo.com  
  
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first  
  
Feedback: Yes, please! Flames will be used to roast marshmellows.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, or any of the characters.  
  
A/N: If you are not comfertable with slah, get out. NOW. This fic revolves around Ashley/Ellie, with a Spinner/Marco subplot.  
  
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I heard the doorbell ring. Toby was at JT's, probably looking at porn, and my Mom and Jeff were out. I had been watching old "Lizzie McGuire" epsides, not even paying attention. I just couldn't help but think about how I was going to tell him. I opened the door.   
  
"Hey, ash, what's up? You sounded serious..."  
  
"Um, hi, Marco. I really need to talk to you. This could take a while to explain, so do you have time?"  
  
Marco smiled at me. "Yeah, I told my mom I was coming over here."  
  
I stepped aside. "Okay, so, come on in."  
  
"So, Ellie told me that she told you... about, well, about me, and how..."  
  
"Yes, Marco. I know you're gay. Embrace it. Don't hide from it. I'm not." I said, and handed him a can of Diet Coke.  
  
"Wait... you mean... you're..."  
  
I smiled at him. He looked like a dead fish. Eyes wide, mouth open. "Are you gonna take the soda or not?" Marco almost fell out of his chair. He stood from his place at the island, knocking the stool to the floor. He didn't even notice. He just ran over to my side of the island, and hugged me. Hard. "MARCO! CAN'T- BRE-ATHE!"  
  
"Oh my God, Ashley! So I'm not the only one?"  
  
"Of course not! You should've known! I mean, there's tons of people at Degrassi!"  
  
Marco suddenly pulled away from the me. "Wait. Who?"  
  
I sank to the floor, my back sliding against the cabinets. My vertabrae came in contact with the handle, one by one. The pain didn't bother me. I was used to it. I'd been through a lot, and had slid down the same cabinet door each time. I couldn't tell him. At least, not first. "You first."  
  
Marco sat on the floor, oppisite me, and smirked. "I asked you first."  
  
I lowered my head. "Yeah, but you've known that you're... for a lot longer then I have."  
  
"Ash? It's gay, not '...'. And Spinner."  
  
My head shot up at that. SPINNER?! "SPINNER?! HOW?!"  
  
"No idea. I just, do, ya know?" He shook his head slightly. "Names now, questions later. Your turn."  
  
I took a deep breath. Here goes. "Ellie." I whispered.  
  
"ELLIE?! THAT IS SO GREAT!"  
  
I looked up at him, confusion written on my face. This was Marco, right? Marco, congratulationg me on loving Ellie? "Excuse me?"  
  
Marco rolled his eyes. "It's obvious. You look at her as if... as if she's the only person in the world. As if... you're in love with her." It wasn't a question. I knew that. I just looked at him. "You are!"  
  
I laughed. "Yeah, pretty much... so, what about you, Mr. I'm-in-love-with-Spinner-Mason?"  
  
He smiled, somewhat dreamily. "Yeah. I am."  
  
His smile was contagious. "Thank you so much, Marco. It's really, REALLY nice being able to talk to someone about this."  
  
He grinned back. "Same here. I mean, I have Ellie, but she isn't gay, so she doesn't quite get it. Thanks, Ashley."  
  
"No, thank YOU. Because at least you had Ellie. All I had were feelings for Ellie."  
  
Marco smiled. "Okay, you win."   
  
"Haha." I replied sarcastically. "I'm just SO lucky. What do I win?"  
  
Marco scratched his head, and then handed me his unopened soda can. "Here!"  
  
"Gee, thanks, Marco!"  
  
"No problem."  
  
There was a pause, though it wasn't really awkward. "So, um, what should I do about Ellie?"  
  
"Oh, man, Ashley... that's tough. What do you think she'd do if you told her?"  
  
I hung my head again. "I don't know. I wanna believe that she'll just let me down gently, but I don't know... God, I hate this!!!" I exclaimed, as I hit my head against the cabinet.   
  
"I think she would. I mean, if she isn't interested." I smiled at him.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"No problem. So, what should I do about Spinner?"  
  
"Honestly? I've always thought he was gay. I mean, this is just my opinion, but he teases you about it way too much, and he was never REALLY interested in one girl. And he's 15! I just think he is, but afraid of it. But, don't do anything rash on my account. I couldn't take it if I was wrong, and embarassed you."  
  
Marco smiled, weakly. "It's okay. I've never acted on a crush before, why should I now?"  
  
I reached over, and squeezed his arm lightly. "I know. I'm never telling Ellie." My hand retreated, and I sat on my kitchen floor, with Marco, picking at my light blue nail polish, in silence.  
  
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There was Chapter 5. What did you think? It's a lot of dialouge, but they were saying all their thoughts out loud, and there wasn't much action. Plus, I just wanted everything layed out on the table. I'm already writing the next chapter. I was gonna do a short ficlet of Marco's crush on Spinner, and post it seperate, but I decided I wanted it to become a part of the story. Next chapter soon!  
  
Coming up: Spinner deals with knowing Marco's gay, and... what's with the lack of freaking he's doing? Plus, will Ashley EVER tell Ellie?! R&R!!! 


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